Was chatting with one of my friends today and after a long discussion on this topic, I thought I might as well write about it.
To begin with, a typical Indian love marriage happens post one of the following scenarios:
1) Parents from both sides don't agree. The lovers run-away and marry (no movie stuff - still widely prevalent in many villages and even cities)
2) Parents from one side agree. Marriage either occurs immediately or after waiting successfully/unsuccessfully for other side to agree.
3) Parents from both sides agree (becoming more common these days in the big cities)
So, why don’t parents agree to the choice made by their son/daughter? I guess it’s got to do with a couple of things – our caste system and societal pressures. In a way, they are inter-related. India’s caste system has always prohibited people from marrying into another caste and this has been followed down the centuries. Whether they see any logic or not, parents are adamant about not letting their children marry anyone from other caste. And ours is a social system where people pay too much importance about the way the relatives see/talk about you. So no parent wants to hear things like ‘Oh! Ramesh – His daughter ran off with that Christian, didn’t she?’ or ‘u know, Mahesh’s son married some Punjabi girl; My God! and this man shamelessly tells me that he accepted them’. Hence every parent wants to marry off their children into a family chosen by them which, of course has the ‘appropriate’ caste and class. I have seen many a family where the parents actually keep driving this fact time and again to the children. There is also the additional aspect of marriage being a spectacle of showing off in many communities. A friend of mine once remarked how people in his community actually save a lot and lot of money throughout their life only to burn them all during the 5 or 6 days of their daughter’s marriage. The marriage being such a status symbol also sometimes contributes to the mad and unreasonable rejection of love by parents.
(There is also this huge stupidity of matching horoscopes to check compatibility - Since it is not such a great factor as far as love marriages are concerned, we will not go into the details)
There are also a few things which explain why love marriages are always not as successful as arranged marriages are in the Indian context. First of all, unlike the west, an Indian marriage is the coming together of two families and not just of two individuals. So when the girl coming into the groom’s family is from a similar family background and upbringing, she is able to fit in that much more easily into her role as a daughter-in-law of the family. Not only is a girl coming from some other community viewed with a lot of prejudice, she is also that much less readily accepted in to the family. Compare this with a scenario in the west, where the couples live alone and the girl just needs to tackle the guy (I wonder how they manage without saas-bahu serials). On the other hand, things become difficult for couples living alone in India (say after love marriage without the support of parents). The neighbors view them with suspicion, they are isolated by all relatives and don’t get invited to any family function. In fact, it becomes difficult to raise the kids in case both of them are working. Hence, it is very essential that the couples earn the support of their families before marriage. It solves a lot of unforeseen problems later on. Things which might seem relatively unimportant now become critical later on. So all couples who are in love and are planning to marry - let the marriage happen with the acceptance and blessings of both the families. If you have to wait for it, so be it; if you have to fight for it, so be it.
Of late, though, there are encouraging signs. There are quite a few cases where I have seen/heard parents accepting wholeheartedly the choice of their son/daughter. Even a lot of my friends here acknowledged the changing scenario. I guess, after all, those hundreds of romantic movies are finally having their effect. Of course, Iam very sure that this is a trend limited to the big cities. We still have some way to go before we can even talk of a developed society where the individual married into a family is viewed for what he/she is rather than for what his/her family is.
Finally, if there is one characteristic of the Indian parent that needs to be admired, then that is the way they accept their son/daughter back into the family after the initial period of isolation post the marriage. The period of isolation may vary from parent to parent, but ultimately they do accept. A salute to that quality! As for all the lovebirds out there, all the best – hope there isn’t a necessity to experience that quality of your parents.
To begin with, a typical Indian love marriage happens post one of the following scenarios:
1) Parents from both sides don't agree. The lovers run-away and marry (no movie stuff - still widely prevalent in many villages and even cities)
2) Parents from one side agree. Marriage either occurs immediately or after waiting successfully/unsuccessfully for other side to agree.
3) Parents from both sides agree (becoming more common these days in the big cities)
So, why don’t parents agree to the choice made by their son/daughter? I guess it’s got to do with a couple of things – our caste system and societal pressures. In a way, they are inter-related. India’s caste system has always prohibited people from marrying into another caste and this has been followed down the centuries. Whether they see any logic or not, parents are adamant about not letting their children marry anyone from other caste. And ours is a social system where people pay too much importance about the way the relatives see/talk about you. So no parent wants to hear things like ‘Oh! Ramesh – His daughter ran off with that Christian, didn’t she?’ or ‘u know, Mahesh’s son married some Punjabi girl; My God! and this man shamelessly tells me that he accepted them’. Hence every parent wants to marry off their children into a family chosen by them which, of course has the ‘appropriate’ caste and class. I have seen many a family where the parents actually keep driving this fact time and again to the children. There is also the additional aspect of marriage being a spectacle of showing off in many communities. A friend of mine once remarked how people in his community actually save a lot and lot of money throughout their life only to burn them all during the 5 or 6 days of their daughter’s marriage. The marriage being such a status symbol also sometimes contributes to the mad and unreasonable rejection of love by parents.
(There is also this huge stupidity of matching horoscopes to check compatibility - Since it is not such a great factor as far as love marriages are concerned, we will not go into the details)
There are also a few things which explain why love marriages are always not as successful as arranged marriages are in the Indian context. First of all, unlike the west, an Indian marriage is the coming together of two families and not just of two individuals. So when the girl coming into the groom’s family is from a similar family background and upbringing, she is able to fit in that much more easily into her role as a daughter-in-law of the family. Not only is a girl coming from some other community viewed with a lot of prejudice, she is also that much less readily accepted in to the family. Compare this with a scenario in the west, where the couples live alone and the girl just needs to tackle the guy (I wonder how they manage without saas-bahu serials). On the other hand, things become difficult for couples living alone in India (say after love marriage without the support of parents). The neighbors view them with suspicion, they are isolated by all relatives and don’t get invited to any family function. In fact, it becomes difficult to raise the kids in case both of them are working. Hence, it is very essential that the couples earn the support of their families before marriage. It solves a lot of unforeseen problems later on. Things which might seem relatively unimportant now become critical later on. So all couples who are in love and are planning to marry - let the marriage happen with the acceptance and blessings of both the families. If you have to wait for it, so be it; if you have to fight for it, so be it.
Of late, though, there are encouraging signs. There are quite a few cases where I have seen/heard parents accepting wholeheartedly the choice of their son/daughter. Even a lot of my friends here acknowledged the changing scenario. I guess, after all, those hundreds of romantic movies are finally having their effect. Of course, Iam very sure that this is a trend limited to the big cities. We still have some way to go before we can even talk of a developed society where the individual married into a family is viewed for what he/she is rather than for what his/her family is.
Finally, if there is one characteristic of the Indian parent that needs to be admired, then that is the way they accept their son/daughter back into the family after the initial period of isolation post the marriage. The period of isolation may vary from parent to parent, but ultimately they do accept. A salute to that quality! As for all the lovebirds out there, all the best – hope there isn’t a necessity to experience that quality of your parents.
