Was chatting with one of my friends today and after a long discussion on this topic, I thought I might as well write about it.
To begin with, a typical Indian love marriage happens post one of the following scenarios:
1) Parents from both sides don't agree. The lovers run-away and marry (no movie stuff - still widely prevalent in many villages and even cities)
2) Parents from one side agree. Marriage either occurs immediately or after waiting successfully/unsuccessfully for other side to agree.
3) Parents from both sides agree (becoming more common these days in the big cities)
So, why don’t parents agree to the choice made by their son/daughter? I guess it’s got to do with a couple of things – our caste system and societal pressures. In a way, they are inter-related. India’s caste system has always prohibited people from marrying into another caste and this has been followed down the centuries. Whether they see any logic or not, parents are adamant about not letting their children marry anyone from other caste. And ours is a social system where people pay too much importance about the way the relatives see/talk about you. So no parent wants to hear things like ‘Oh! Ramesh – His daughter ran off with that Christian, didn’t she?’ or ‘u know, Mahesh’s son married some Punjabi girl; My God! and this man shamelessly tells me that he accepted them’. Hence every parent wants to marry off their children into a family chosen by them which, of course has the ‘appropriate’ caste and class. I have seen many a family where the parents actually keep driving this fact time and again to the children. There is also the additional aspect of marriage being a spectacle of showing off in many communities. A friend of mine once remarked how people in his community actually save a lot and lot of money throughout their life only to burn them all during the 5 or 6 days of their daughter’s marriage. The marriage being such a status symbol also sometimes contributes to the mad and unreasonable rejection of love by parents.
(There is also this huge stupidity of matching horoscopes to check compatibility - Since it is not such a great factor as far as love marriages are concerned, we will not go into the details)
There are also a few things which explain why love marriages are always not as successful as arranged marriages are in the Indian context. First of all, unlike the west, an Indian marriage is the coming together of two families and not just of two individuals. So when the girl coming into the groom’s family is from a similar family background and upbringing, she is able to fit in that much more easily into her role as a daughter-in-law of the family. Not only is a girl coming from some other community viewed with a lot of prejudice, she is also that much less readily accepted in to the family. Compare this with a scenario in the west, where the couples live alone and the girl just needs to tackle the guy (I wonder how they manage without saas-bahu serials). On the other hand, things become difficult for couples living alone in India (say after love marriage without the support of parents). The neighbors view them with suspicion, they are isolated by all relatives and don’t get invited to any family function. In fact, it becomes difficult to raise the kids in case both of them are working. Hence, it is very essential that the couples earn the support of their families before marriage. It solves a lot of unforeseen problems later on. Things which might seem relatively unimportant now become critical later on. So all couples who are in love and are planning to marry - let the marriage happen with the acceptance and blessings of both the families. If you have to wait for it, so be it; if you have to fight for it, so be it.
Of late, though, there are encouraging signs. There are quite a few cases where I have seen/heard parents accepting wholeheartedly the choice of their son/daughter. Even a lot of my friends here acknowledged the changing scenario. I guess, after all, those hundreds of romantic movies are finally having their effect. Of course, Iam very sure that this is a trend limited to the big cities. We still have some way to go before we can even talk of a developed society where the individual married into a family is viewed for what he/she is rather than for what his/her family is.
Finally, if there is one characteristic of the Indian parent that needs to be admired, then that is the way they accept their son/daughter back into the family after the initial period of isolation post the marriage. The period of isolation may vary from parent to parent, but ultimately they do accept. A salute to that quality! As for all the lovebirds out there, all the best – hope there isn’t a necessity to experience that quality of your parents.
To begin with, a typical Indian love marriage happens post one of the following scenarios:
1) Parents from both sides don't agree. The lovers run-away and marry (no movie stuff - still widely prevalent in many villages and even cities)
2) Parents from one side agree. Marriage either occurs immediately or after waiting successfully/unsuccessfully for other side to agree.
3) Parents from both sides agree (becoming more common these days in the big cities)
So, why don’t parents agree to the choice made by their son/daughter? I guess it’s got to do with a couple of things – our caste system and societal pressures. In a way, they are inter-related. India’s caste system has always prohibited people from marrying into another caste and this has been followed down the centuries. Whether they see any logic or not, parents are adamant about not letting their children marry anyone from other caste. And ours is a social system where people pay too much importance about the way the relatives see/talk about you. So no parent wants to hear things like ‘Oh! Ramesh – His daughter ran off with that Christian, didn’t she?’ or ‘u know, Mahesh’s son married some Punjabi girl; My God! and this man shamelessly tells me that he accepted them’. Hence every parent wants to marry off their children into a family chosen by them which, of course has the ‘appropriate’ caste and class. I have seen many a family where the parents actually keep driving this fact time and again to the children. There is also the additional aspect of marriage being a spectacle of showing off in many communities. A friend of mine once remarked how people in his community actually save a lot and lot of money throughout their life only to burn them all during the 5 or 6 days of their daughter’s marriage. The marriage being such a status symbol also sometimes contributes to the mad and unreasonable rejection of love by parents.
(There is also this huge stupidity of matching horoscopes to check compatibility - Since it is not such a great factor as far as love marriages are concerned, we will not go into the details)
There are also a few things which explain why love marriages are always not as successful as arranged marriages are in the Indian context. First of all, unlike the west, an Indian marriage is the coming together of two families and not just of two individuals. So when the girl coming into the groom’s family is from a similar family background and upbringing, she is able to fit in that much more easily into her role as a daughter-in-law of the family. Not only is a girl coming from some other community viewed with a lot of prejudice, she is also that much less readily accepted in to the family. Compare this with a scenario in the west, where the couples live alone and the girl just needs to tackle the guy (I wonder how they manage without saas-bahu serials). On the other hand, things become difficult for couples living alone in India (say after love marriage without the support of parents). The neighbors view them with suspicion, they are isolated by all relatives and don’t get invited to any family function. In fact, it becomes difficult to raise the kids in case both of them are working. Hence, it is very essential that the couples earn the support of their families before marriage. It solves a lot of unforeseen problems later on. Things which might seem relatively unimportant now become critical later on. So all couples who are in love and are planning to marry - let the marriage happen with the acceptance and blessings of both the families. If you have to wait for it, so be it; if you have to fight for it, so be it.
Of late, though, there are encouraging signs. There are quite a few cases where I have seen/heard parents accepting wholeheartedly the choice of their son/daughter. Even a lot of my friends here acknowledged the changing scenario. I guess, after all, those hundreds of romantic movies are finally having their effect. Of course, Iam very sure that this is a trend limited to the big cities. We still have some way to go before we can even talk of a developed society where the individual married into a family is viewed for what he/she is rather than for what his/her family is.
Finally, if there is one characteristic of the Indian parent that needs to be admired, then that is the way they accept their son/daughter back into the family after the initial period of isolation post the marriage. The period of isolation may vary from parent to parent, but ultimately they do accept. A salute to that quality! As for all the lovebirds out there, all the best – hope there isn’t a necessity to experience that quality of your parents.
14 comments:
hidden agenda behind this post..eh?
u want someone to forward this to your parents lover boy?
I agree.. there does seem to be some ulterior motive to this post.
Or is it a msg to some beautiful soul to not lose heart and carry on the fight??
Or is it a first move??? ;)
Hmmm...lot of thought seems to hav gone into it. Is this anguish/ opinion out of personal experience :P
@manan - hidden agenda? really?
@namrata - first move? If it is, it should rate amongst one of the dumbest.
@mrunal - finally someone makes sense but once again its not out of personal experience.
@everyone - Whats wrong people? :)
I was happy to see that atleast you write about things that really matter. Your writing style is natural and intuative.. But, i was just wondering abt how you know so much abt this???
Thanks Neelima. Finally someone understands that I wrote it because it is an social issue.
As for ur question, most of my explanations are based on what has happened in my friends' lives.
I like the candor of your article. Good one
Thanks Sni!
great post dude...was well articulated...
nicely presented..i donno when are the people gonna understand the value of love and stop looking down at love marriages..
"Even a lot of my friends here acknowledged the changing scenario"
I'm sure most such readily accepting parents have gone through or seen others go through similar situations such as having to give up their love or seeing failed married couples who are socially forced to live together. These were prevalent in parents generation too.
@Tyler - Thanks dude!
@Shelly - Its a slow and painful process but its happening.
@Neuman - Agreed but I feel the acceptance levels are increasing more because the educated girls of today are no longer ready to let their most important life decision completely in the hands of their parents.
Hey, my name is Novin, I came across your blog when I was searching for "Indian stories of people whose parents are against their relationships", after a heated argument at home. Dad is retiring next year and wants the family to go on a trip to some bloody Singapore or HK or Singapore.
I can be categorized into the first scenario of your blog. Both parents not agreeing, me a Mallu & she a Bong.
I had always tried not to shout at my parents while dicussin this but my fuse just blew this time. It was Onam yesterday and this was the first time I didn't sit with them for the lunch, better known as Ona-Sadya. I have boycotted using the family car since my Dad denied the car a few months back because he knew I'd take her along with me.
I am not doing any kind of confession shit here... but I gotta tell anyone who is going through similar situation to keep a cool head and handle the issues.
As for me, I am gradually withdrawing from all family activities as I know that they are not in a mood to agree and I have to give them a glimpse of whats coming. It hurts me a lot and I know it hurts my parents too...
If they don't change their decision, sooner or later we'll have to see this day. Damn it!
Novin.
http://vnovin.wordpress.com
awesome article bro, really great,
many of us are suffering from same problem, i dont know why so, everything is ok with love marriage but why do people dont like it.
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